Hey again

- So here I am, back as promised...
- Whoa, that's not quite the spirit. Once more with feeling.
- Meh I'm just not that much in the mood.
- Well you don't have to.
- Nah, got a couple things to say, it's just that I don't know how to say them anymore. Tried many different ways and tones, and most of them I don't like as soon as I'm done saying them. There's an African saying : when a words reaches out of your mouth, there is no way back in. Lucky enough I'm used to the many things I've said and regretted. Usually not even because of the content, but because of the tone and because it didn't help but made things worse.
- Yay, now I really want to hear what you have to say.
- Well I'm not afraid of how I speak to you. It's just that I need for it to help, I need to make it right. Saying it right would help I suppose. Thinking it right.
- Yeah, you do that.
- ...
- ...
- Oh by the way, for the job, I'm just moving on to further interviews. Pretty good but I still don't have anything, this will have to wait.
- I see.
- About those friends. I'm still at the same point. I've told everybody everything using every tone. I think they won't change.
- They rarely do.
- So if we admit I can't hope for anything better, I'd be left with only two solutions : bare with it and go away.
- "If", you "would"... Is it me or is there three possibilities ?
- Wait, you telling me there's a chance for change ? Why would there be ? How can I make myself understood ? And could somebody share my view ? And if they do, do they even care enough to show it ? Aren't you the cynic type ?
- I'm the contradictory type.
- Great. Well unless you find me an idea to motivate them showing they care, taking a couple minutes (do I even deserve hours ?) to talk to me and try to help, I'll consider the other two possibilities.
- Go on then.
- Well those are just too simple. Deal with it : suffering. Go away : suffering.
- Gee, what would Buddha do ?
- Ah shut up. But yeah, I suppose... As suffering is unavoidable, I should stick to them at least. But I can't help being bitter then and I'll harm them back.
- That's more your problem isn't it.
- Yeah but... I mean, is it possible that they do things wrong ? That they don't take care much and should behave a different way, as my friend ?
- It is possible. But you've tried to tell them, right.
- Yeah...
- To me, now that's your call.
- ...
- Yeah, shitty situation that is, when it's you to decide.
- ...
- Glad I don't have to. Just sit here and watch TV.
- Yeah, maybe I should just join.
- Nah you're not meant for it. At least not for long. So just go away while you can. You know you'll get your distraction at some stage. It will last or it won't, but at least you'll be off my back for a while !
- Aw, I think that's the nicest thing you've said to me.
- You know I'm the soft-hearted one. Now fuck off. And next time you come, better have a good reason for it.
- Eheh...

Long time no see

- Hey man, it's been a while.
- Indeed. I take it things have gone worse again ?
- Meh kind of. I mean yeah but it's not that bad. Bad enough for me to come here again, I suppose. But still.
- Right, would you mind not fucking around like this, maybe ?
- Someone's grumpy.
- Yeah well it's not like I haven't seen you in months and you just come back here to cry your eyes out cause you need somebody to listen and talk back... You say about your friends, but you're not always that much better, huh ?
- It's not like you actually exist...
- Yeah, whatever.
- Right... So... What was I saying. Yeah felt like complaining a bit but things aren't that bad. Been working quite a lot on my own.
- You do realize you've been doing, or at least saying this for more than 4 years now ?
- Sure do. But still, I did it quite efficiently in the last few months. I got time to enjoy a lot of different things in Australia, and even if I also had the opportunity to confirm I still had the same bad habits, I progressed.
- Colour me sceptical. Go ahead.
- Well, you see, I like to read great philosophers' work, and quite often find there important thoughts to help me. I got what can probably be the closest to spiritual illumination for me.
- Wow. Wish I make some witty sarcastic joke there.
- I know that sounds silly, but I've always been into the concept of auto-suggestion, and the power of beliefs, should they be faked and forced into being true, Nietzsche helped me on that.
- Don't get me bored.
- I'll make it short but that'll only give you more incentive to mock me. I found great help in the original philosophy of Siddhartha Gaumata aka Buddha. And as it happened in the holy city of his illumination back in India, and as I found in the text things myself had an illumination for, a day before, I became a bit mystical.
- Wow wow wow... Am I suppose to sit and listen to you get all prophetical on me ?
- Take it easy. Now listen, first : the fact. The thought I had the day before the celebration of his illumination, cause I happened to be there for this birthday...
- Ok... Should I call Mulder and Scully now ?
- The thing I thought about was simple. I just thought about people like being solids in Newtonian physics.
- Right...
- Listen. A solid's going to move, according to the forces applied to it. Balance in the forces, no movement, more force in one direction, there it goes. Thing is, I realized I could make a metaphor about humans, spirits, or minds, psychology, whatever you call it. The mind would be the object you apply forces to, thoughts let's say to simplify. Now not only you have to find equilibrium among those forces if you wish for stability, but also direction and how to prioritize one force, if you wish to move. Now it's a bit confusing, and I was still working on this, but it did struck me that day, and I was really satisfied about this one.
- Ok and I suppose that's Buddha talking.
- Not quite. But close enough to impress me a bit. Siddhartha use to say, and that's not even THE most important part of his philosophy, something like we're non existent, and are actually only the result of those forces that are around us, and make us what we "are" at some point of time. He uses the metaphor of the ripple, that "is" for that you can see it, but really only is water changing, under some force, and will stop being soon.
- Right, I'm a big fucking ripple. Have you come all this way to tell me this ?
- No, guess I got a bit carried away. So end of the story, bit of mystical context, I went to a buddhist library in Bodhgaya for Buddha's birthday, and all I got out of it I liked ! It's not even quite Buddhism, it's more the original philosophy of Siddharta, the religion evolved for fucking thousands years and I don't even know what it is about now.
- Hallelujah. And ?
- I'll try and make it shorter. One important saying is, and that's why it's called the middle path, not to throw yourself into happiness, not to run from sadness. All is suffering. If you're only interested in pleasure, you'll find suffering if those pleasures end, and they likely will. You shouldn't run away from pain and try do deny it, or you won't be able to deal with it if it comes in an obvious form, right it your face. Once again it likely will.
- Fascinating.
- All I say is it helped me a lot. Only because I convinced myself it was my way of thinking and I had to apply it, and that became the reason I shrugged away quite a few hits since then.
- Yeah I think we finally got the end of your fucking introduction, I start to understand a point, at last. Gee you're talkative, I'll tell myself you missed me. Now that was for the good, I assume you also have some tears to shed or some bile to spit ?
- Kind of. I should tell you that I'm done travelling for now, at least I try to be. I decided that it would be good for me to rest, have a home for more than a couple months, don't share my comfort with people I don't know, like I've more or less done for years...
- I get the picture, settling down.
- A bit. I'd like to get a job in Toulouse, maybe buy a house and think about travelling later. But it's not easy. I won't complain tonight cause I did get an interview tomorrow and...
- Wha' ?
- ...
- You blew a fuse ?
- Nah, I was just thinking... It's like 2am and I have an interview tomorrow.
- You hardly ever get prepared for anything.
- True, but still. Plus I talked shitloads tonight. So I'm thinking maybe I could tell you about how it went tomorrow, then tell you a bit about my friends.
- So you're gonna leave me with all that positive stuff you said, and nothing to have fun with ?
- Yeah well having friends is still a bitch to me, have fun on that. But that would take me time to tell you and I don't have all my brains functioning any more. I'll come and give you your fix tomorrow, ok ?
- Whatever. It's not like I can't find sadness in this world when you're not around. I have TV, you know...
- Right, don't fuck your brain up with TV before I come back.
- Like I even use my brain to watch this shit.
- Sure. See ya then.
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