Fixing stuff

- Dude, your last talk wasn't all good. Sounded a bit like a 15 years old.
- Well I like to, sometimes. Being a grown up consist mostly in giving up on things. Part from being responsible, I guess. So in a way feeling like a 15 years old in revolt is a good way to make sure you haven't given up on anything and accept any shit that comes at you. You're not a cow yet.
- You realize I have no idea what you are talking about, don't you.
- Sure, try and keep sounding cool.
- So why did you come here for ?
- Dunno, was feeling like it's been a long time. But quite frankly I have no idea what to talk about.
- Bah, just say something, see where we end up. How are things ?
- Life's the same, in a different place. People come and go. Some even pretend to be interested. If I wasn't ten years in that grown up social life thing, I could even fall for it. But that's not the case, and I find it quite hard to know I could be in the same situation in a million different places, and probably will in less than a year.
- Well see, you did have something to say.
- Aren't you supposed to help ?
- Like giving you some piece of advice ? Meh. If you had some questions, I could try to answer them.
- Questions ? What could I learn from you that I don't already know ?
- I suppose that one is not for me to answer.
- Ok... Am I doing something wrong ? Am I supposed to do like everybody else if I want to be at peace any day ? Should I to play the game ? Or is it true that somebody out there would understand me, at least as much as any fucker is understood by his friends ?
- Well, honestly... Seeing how fucked you are, that's not quite sure, but what do I know ! I mean, you did end up meeting people more similar to you than you'd have hoped. Ok it fucked up most of the time but it's a good start, isn't it ? You could be positive and imagine you're gonna get even more lucky some time soon ? I must say it's pretty much down to that, we can't predict future, and you're not really hoping for anything else, are ye.
- Not really, I guess.
- I don't think you can do things a different way. Seen you trying and that was a catastrophe. And personally I don't want you to. I agree the world is a sad place, and most people suck hard, but we won't admit they're all the same.
- Meh.
- Okay, if we do some day, I'll help you blow up the place.
- Eheh, that's more like it. Some action to long for !
- Yeah, don't get too excited. Now it's late, live me to rest.
- Kay, night.

One more thing

- Hey you know what ? Hell is hell, no matter if it's a ridiculous, unjustified hell, called by myself on myself and others !! I mean., am I making it that complicated ? It's really too easy. I mean I'm not that bad, I don't deserve this shit. Maybe I'm not making the right choices but I need someone to explain it to me. And not just saying things that make me feel like they just want to treat the effects and not the cause. I mean try and understand, cause it's always coming back. It's not that hard, it's not even hard at all, cause it's just trying for fuck's sake ! Why is it that I always feel like I don't deserve people to stop thinking about themselves for a second ? Seriously, I can do that ! I'm often thinking about me but I can still cut the crap for a second and concentrate on somebody else ! If not, why do the few left still even stick around !? I'm even hardly enjoyable any more. Is it that sad that people just fucked it being able to help others ? Or they just don't think people can be helped ? It would be much easier and more obvious to just think they're too lazy to bother about others' issues, but I even question that now. They sometimes do something that vaguely looks like an attempt to make somebody help feel better. I guess that I'm trying to be positive that way, not to just dig my own hole and hate everybody for their selfishness, and do I understand it all better ? No. So what's left for me to think now, can you tell me ?
- Hey, you could have knocked on the door first.
- ...
- And please don't slam it when you go.

Hey again

- So here I am, back as promised...
- Whoa, that's not quite the spirit. Once more with feeling.
- Meh I'm just not that much in the mood.
- Well you don't have to.
- Nah, got a couple things to say, it's just that I don't know how to say them anymore. Tried many different ways and tones, and most of them I don't like as soon as I'm done saying them. There's an African saying : when a words reaches out of your mouth, there is no way back in. Lucky enough I'm used to the many things I've said and regretted. Usually not even because of the content, but because of the tone and because it didn't help but made things worse.
- Yay, now I really want to hear what you have to say.
- Well I'm not afraid of how I speak to you. It's just that I need for it to help, I need to make it right. Saying it right would help I suppose. Thinking it right.
- Yeah, you do that.
- ...
- ...
- Oh by the way, for the job, I'm just moving on to further interviews. Pretty good but I still don't have anything, this will have to wait.
- I see.
- About those friends. I'm still at the same point. I've told everybody everything using every tone. I think they won't change.
- They rarely do.
- So if we admit I can't hope for anything better, I'd be left with only two solutions : bare with it and go away.
- "If", you "would"... Is it me or is there three possibilities ?
- Wait, you telling me there's a chance for change ? Why would there be ? How can I make myself understood ? And could somebody share my view ? And if they do, do they even care enough to show it ? Aren't you the cynic type ?
- I'm the contradictory type.
- Great. Well unless you find me an idea to motivate them showing they care, taking a couple minutes (do I even deserve hours ?) to talk to me and try to help, I'll consider the other two possibilities.
- Go on then.
- Well those are just too simple. Deal with it : suffering. Go away : suffering.
- Gee, what would Buddha do ?
- Ah shut up. But yeah, I suppose... As suffering is unavoidable, I should stick to them at least. But I can't help being bitter then and I'll harm them back.
- That's more your problem isn't it.
- Yeah but... I mean, is it possible that they do things wrong ? That they don't take care much and should behave a different way, as my friend ?
- It is possible. But you've tried to tell them, right.
- Yeah...
- To me, now that's your call.
- ...
- Yeah, shitty situation that is, when it's you to decide.
- ...
- Glad I don't have to. Just sit here and watch TV.
- Yeah, maybe I should just join.
- Nah you're not meant for it. At least not for long. So just go away while you can. You know you'll get your distraction at some stage. It will last or it won't, but at least you'll be off my back for a while !
- Aw, I think that's the nicest thing you've said to me.
- You know I'm the soft-hearted one. Now fuck off. And next time you come, better have a good reason for it.
- Eheh...

Long time no see

- Hey man, it's been a while.
- Indeed. I take it things have gone worse again ?
- Meh kind of. I mean yeah but it's not that bad. Bad enough for me to come here again, I suppose. But still.
- Right, would you mind not fucking around like this, maybe ?
- Someone's grumpy.
- Yeah well it's not like I haven't seen you in months and you just come back here to cry your eyes out cause you need somebody to listen and talk back... You say about your friends, but you're not always that much better, huh ?
- It's not like you actually exist...
- Yeah, whatever.
- Right... So... What was I saying. Yeah felt like complaining a bit but things aren't that bad. Been working quite a lot on my own.
- You do realize you've been doing, or at least saying this for more than 4 years now ?
- Sure do. But still, I did it quite efficiently in the last few months. I got time to enjoy a lot of different things in Australia, and even if I also had the opportunity to confirm I still had the same bad habits, I progressed.
- Colour me sceptical. Go ahead.
- Well, you see, I like to read great philosophers' work, and quite often find there important thoughts to help me. I got what can probably be the closest to spiritual illumination for me.
- Wow. Wish I make some witty sarcastic joke there.
- I know that sounds silly, but I've always been into the concept of auto-suggestion, and the power of beliefs, should they be faked and forced into being true, Nietzsche helped me on that.
- Don't get me bored.
- I'll make it short but that'll only give you more incentive to mock me. I found great help in the original philosophy of Siddhartha Gaumata aka Buddha. And as it happened in the holy city of his illumination back in India, and as I found in the text things myself had an illumination for, a day before, I became a bit mystical.
- Wow wow wow... Am I suppose to sit and listen to you get all prophetical on me ?
- Take it easy. Now listen, first : the fact. The thought I had the day before the celebration of his illumination, cause I happened to be there for this birthday...
- Ok... Should I call Mulder and Scully now ?
- The thing I thought about was simple. I just thought about people like being solids in Newtonian physics.
- Right...
- Listen. A solid's going to move, according to the forces applied to it. Balance in the forces, no movement, more force in one direction, there it goes. Thing is, I realized I could make a metaphor about humans, spirits, or minds, psychology, whatever you call it. The mind would be the object you apply forces to, thoughts let's say to simplify. Now not only you have to find equilibrium among those forces if you wish for stability, but also direction and how to prioritize one force, if you wish to move. Now it's a bit confusing, and I was still working on this, but it did struck me that day, and I was really satisfied about this one.
- Ok and I suppose that's Buddha talking.
- Not quite. But close enough to impress me a bit. Siddhartha use to say, and that's not even THE most important part of his philosophy, something like we're non existent, and are actually only the result of those forces that are around us, and make us what we "are" at some point of time. He uses the metaphor of the ripple, that "is" for that you can see it, but really only is water changing, under some force, and will stop being soon.
- Right, I'm a big fucking ripple. Have you come all this way to tell me this ?
- No, guess I got a bit carried away. So end of the story, bit of mystical context, I went to a buddhist library in Bodhgaya for Buddha's birthday, and all I got out of it I liked ! It's not even quite Buddhism, it's more the original philosophy of Siddharta, the religion evolved for fucking thousands years and I don't even know what it is about now.
- Hallelujah. And ?
- I'll try and make it shorter. One important saying is, and that's why it's called the middle path, not to throw yourself into happiness, not to run from sadness. All is suffering. If you're only interested in pleasure, you'll find suffering if those pleasures end, and they likely will. You shouldn't run away from pain and try do deny it, or you won't be able to deal with it if it comes in an obvious form, right it your face. Once again it likely will.
- Fascinating.
- All I say is it helped me a lot. Only because I convinced myself it was my way of thinking and I had to apply it, and that became the reason I shrugged away quite a few hits since then.
- Yeah I think we finally got the end of your fucking introduction, I start to understand a point, at last. Gee you're talkative, I'll tell myself you missed me. Now that was for the good, I assume you also have some tears to shed or some bile to spit ?
- Kind of. I should tell you that I'm done travelling for now, at least I try to be. I decided that it would be good for me to rest, have a home for more than a couple months, don't share my comfort with people I don't know, like I've more or less done for years...
- I get the picture, settling down.
- A bit. I'd like to get a job in Toulouse, maybe buy a house and think about travelling later. But it's not easy. I won't complain tonight cause I did get an interview tomorrow and...
- Wha' ?
- ...
- You blew a fuse ?
- Nah, I was just thinking... It's like 2am and I have an interview tomorrow.
- You hardly ever get prepared for anything.
- True, but still. Plus I talked shitloads tonight. So I'm thinking maybe I could tell you about how it went tomorrow, then tell you a bit about my friends.
- So you're gonna leave me with all that positive stuff you said, and nothing to have fun with ?
- Yeah well having friends is still a bitch to me, have fun on that. But that would take me time to tell you and I don't have all my brains functioning any more. I'll come and give you your fix tomorrow, ok ?
- Whatever. It's not like I can't find sadness in this world when you're not around. I have TV, you know...
- Right, don't fuck your brain up with TV before I come back.
- Like I even use my brain to watch this shit.
- Sure. See ya then.
- ...

A big/small step for me

- Hey I just realized something.
- Hmm...?
- I want people to love me, don't really care about them vaguely liking me. If I start to care about someone, that's actually just going to piss me off if he just likes me. And therefore I act in a certain way that pretty much forces anyone to love me or hate me, which obviously can't lead often to happy ends.
- Well that's rather interesting, so what you gonna do ?
- I'm gonna try to change !
- Really ?
- Nah... Think I'm just gonna complain about things being that way, not quite sure I want or can change...
- You almost got me on that one...
- Eheh. I think it's because every time I say I'm gonna change, I'm a bit more honest...
- ...
- I think.
- Yeah, whatever.

Oops

- Er, dunno why I wanna say this... It's like I know how pathetic it gets but still... Want to complain, well basically want to express it I guess... But I don't want to tell her, I'm always saying the same kind of useless stuff to her.
- Well just tell me then
- You ?
- Well yeah that's what I'm here for.
- I don't want to talk too much if it's vain and that's just gonna make me look pathetic, I'm afraid no one's gonna understand this shit...
- Well no one's gonna try, so I suppose you get a point here. Now stop fucking around and just tell me.
- Ok... It's just that I saw pictures from my ex, dunno if she's actually living dream of a life or if she's just trying to believe it, but to me looks like she's too much; last time I talked to her she told me pretty much literrally "we're happy, we're having so much fun together". I mean fair enough, I just don't get the point in saying it like that. And now she's displaying pictures of them in Venisia, 10 pictures of kissing each other out of 50, never seen that in any 15 years old gallery before. So it actually looks like she's trying to hard. Even more cause she's actually with someone she rejected because she was better off with me, but finally got back a week after I broke up, but then again why do I care ? In the end it's pretty obvious that I'm jealous, and I don't like it. Never been sure I did the right choice splitting up with her and now that I've lived a shit of a year and that she's displaying so much forced or not happinness, that's not that easy to deal with.
- My my, that was something indeed... Feel better now ?
- Hmm I don't know... Yeah I guess, not much though.
-Well that's all you're getting tonight, punk. That was pretty pathetic, by the way.
- ...

Why not talk

- Hi.
- Hey.
- How are you ?
- Well... Think I've been worse.
- Why is that ?
- I've felt pretty bad recently, but it's getting better now.
- Tell me about it.
- Felt really anxious recently, didn't know why though. I was sweating, shaking, my heart was beating fast and strong, and yet there was nothing going on that could have caused that, I was just doing casual stuff at work. Happened to me a few times before, last was about 6 month ago, same circumstances. I used to think that would be what they call a panic attack.
- Sounds like it indeed; but what happened recently that could have provoked that ?
- I've felt quite bad recently, hopeless, useless, bored, tired, not the same as others, unable to enjoy things, and I've felt like it has been too long it's like this.
- What do you mean, too long ?
- I don't know, I was upset, I wanted that mood to go away at once, I was really upset and didn't want to take any of this any more. Then I asked an important person about it and kind of argued over that.
- How come ?
- Well. When I feel like I need help, I can be harsh on my friends for not being there. It usually starts like this.
- I understand, but how would you like them to help ?
- I don't know, be there, maybe try to know how I'm doing at first, then, you know, just trying understand, trying to find some way to help, do stuff. I don't this and feel like no one would bother giving some of their time for me. It's like I'm not worth the effort.
- I'm sure it's not like this; and they all have issues to deal with at the same time as well.
- Then I'd try to help ! I'm always up for this, it's normal to me, I don't want my friends to feel down, I want to do something, don't want to be left appart either.
- Not everyone wants to be helped, they might want to deal with their problems, they might be embarrassed talking about it with you as well.
- Your job. It's to help people talking to them, basically, isn't it ?
- More listening to them.
- All right. But you have to consider what you doing is useful, that why it's important ! You'd advise people to come and talk their problems out, wouldn't you, not to keep things for themselves ! So why would they have to do this with a stranger they pay for it, and they shouldn't to it with friends ?
- First not everyone need to, they could handle it efficiently on their own. And also I'm a professional, I sort of know how we can work on your problems. I'm not saying you couldn't help your friends, but there are things I know about that can prove useful, that's what my job is about.
- No offence doc, I'm sure you know what you're doing, but for now I don't see what's so special about you doing your job...
- Give it some time.
- You ask me to be optimistic, here.
- I do.
-...